David Brainerd's Striving to Enter the Narrow Gate

I just finished reading The Life and Diary of David Brainerd for the fourth time. It was better than I remembered. I thought I'd type out a few highlights from his conversion experience.

The puritan forefathers excelled in (and maybe even obsessed over) self-examination. In our day, any young person who grows up in a Christian family, makes a credible profession of faith and does not make a habit of gross sin is rarely challenged to question the reality of their own new birth. One can in fact have no spritual light and yet be a member in good-standing at most evangelical churches. Indeed there may be enough manipulative pressure exerted to get people to "repeat this prayer after me" that little-to-no emphasis is placed on genuine piety.

This was not so in Brainerd's day. He grew up on a diet of justified-by-faith-alone, you-must-be-born-again, and the-natural-man-cannot-please-God. He knew there was a great difference between outward profession and genuine piety, and that the latter is what must be aimed at in ourselves and in those to whom we minister.

From living in this environment of intense self-examination and genuine piety, Brainerd recognized the importance of seeking "what must I do to be saved?" Here is a taste from his journal of what life was like before the scales fell from his eyes (written at the age of 22):

My manner of life was now exceeding regular and full of religion; for I read my Bible more that twice through in less than a year, spent much time every day in prayer and other secret duries, gave great attention to the Word preached, and endeavored to my utmost to retain it.

Though hundreds of time I renounced all pretenses of any worth in my duties, as I thought, even while performing them, and often confessed to God that I deserved nothing for the very best of them but eternal condemnation; yet still I had a secret hope of recommending myself to God by my religous duties.

...I flattered myself that it was no so very difficult [to enter the narrow gate], and hoped I should by diligence and watchfulness soon gain the point.

I daily longed for greater conviction of sin.

And though my distress was sometimes thus great, yet I greatly dreaded the loss of conviction, and returning back to a state of carnal security, and to my former insensibility of impending wrath; which made me exceeding exact in by behavior lest I should stifle the motions of God's Holy Spirit.

Here's one that deserves to be quoted at length (italics mine):

The many disappointments [with my efforts to be born-again], great distresses and perplexity I met with, put me into a most horrible frame of contesting with the Almighty; with an inward vehemence and virulence finding fault with His ways of dealing with mankind. I found great fault with the imputation of Adam's sin to his posterity; and my wicked heart often wished for some other way of salvation than by Jesus Christ. Being like the troubled sea, my thoughts confused, I used to contrive to escape the wrath of God by some other means. I had strange projects, full of atheism, contriving to disappoint God's designs and decrees concerning me, or to escape His notice, and hide myself from Him.
But when, upon relection, I saw these projects were vain and would not serve me, and that I could contrive nothing for my own relief; this would throw my mind into the most horrid frame, to wish there was no God, or to wish there were some other God that could control Him. These thoughts and desires were the secret inclination of my heart, frequently acting before I was aware. But, alas! they were mine, although I was afrighted when I came to reflect on them. When I considered, it distressed me to think that my heart was so full of enmity against God; and it made me tremble, lest His vengeance should suddenly fall upon me.

...my heart rose against God as dealing hardly with me.

...the corruption of my heart was especially irritated at the following things: 1. The strictness of the divine law....I thought if it extended only to my outward actions and behaviors I could bear with it; but I found it condemned me for my evil thoughts and sins of my heart, which I could not possibly prevent.... 2. Another thing was, that faith alone was the condition of salvation;...I found faith was the sovereign gift of God, that I could not get it as of myself, and could not oblige God to bestow it upon me by any of my performances (Eph 2:1-8)...I could not bear that all I had done should stand for mere nothing, who... had, as I thought, done much more that many others who had obtained mercy... 3. I could not find out what faith was;... 4. I found a great inward opposition [to] the sovereignty of God.

You're probably getting the idea. There does end up being a payoff to all this struggle though, and it's a payoff that some people are still talking about. The dawn was coming:

Now I saw there was no necessary connection between my prayers and the bestowment of divine mercy;... and this because they were not performed from any love or regard to God. I saw that I had been heaping up my devotions before God,... and indeed really thinking sometimes that I was aiming at the glory of God; whereas I never once truly intended it, but only my own happiness.

(I don't think this means that David Brainderd would be anti-Christian Hedonism. Christian Hedonism is always a pursuit of pleasure in God, and is therefore actually is an aiming at the glory of God)

I saw that as I had never done anything for God, I had no claim on anything from Him but perdition, on accound of my hypocrisy and mockery. Oh, how different did my duties now appear from what they used to do! I used to charge them with sin and imperfection; but this was only on account of the wanderings and vain thoguhts attending them... But when I saw evidently that I had regard to nothing but self-interest, then they appeared a vile mockery of God, self-worship, and a continual course of lies

(what a great internalization of Isaiah 64:6 "all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment"!)
And now God says, "let there be light!"

... as I was walking in a dark thick grove, unspeakable glory seemed to open to the view and apprehension of my soul. I do not mean any external brightness, for I saw no such thing... but it was a new inward apprehension or view that I had of God, such as I never had before, nor anything which had the least resemblance of it.
I stood still, wondered and admired! I knew that I never had seen before anying comparable to it for excellency and beauty; it was widely different from any conceptions that ever I had of God... I had no particular apprehension of any one Person in the Trinity... but it appeared to be divine glory. My soul rejoiced with joy unspeakable to see such a God, such a glorious Divine Being; and I was inwardly pleased and satisfied that He should be God over all for ever and ever. My soul was so captivated and delighted with the excellency, loveliness, greatness, and other perfections of God, that I was even swallowed up in Him. At least to that degree that I had no thought (as I can remember) at first, about my own salvation and scarce reflected there was such a creature as I...I felt myself in a new world... I wondered that all the world did not see and comply with this way of salvation, entirely by the righteousness of Christ.

This all took place when he was 21 years old, and it launched him upon a remarkable life of service. Hopefully I'll get to type some more highlights of his further adventures.